Your One and Only

Your One and Only

            So based off of the title and my proclivity to hash tag pictures of me and Sammi with the word "soulmates", you may be assuming this post is about love. Well as much as I hate to throw curveballs, this post is not about soulmates. Whenever we hear the term "one and only" we associate it with a significant other. Well I am going to twist this concept a little bit today. I truly believe that we all have a one and only. We are all born with a single person that we are supposed to love, respect, and cherish regardless of circumstance or challenge. It isn't your Mom, your boss, or your best friend. It isn't your dog, your cat, or your motorcycle. It is you. You are your one and only. If there is a single person that you should never compromise, it is yourself. 

But we don't live this way do we? I know that I spend a lot of time compromising myself in order to make other people happy. It is completely and totally ridiculous isn't it? We dress certain ways, listen to certain music, and forgo things that we know would make us happy. And for what? So we can avoid ever telling another person that we want to do things differently than they do them? Why are we so afraid of letting other people know that we are different from them? Does it help the other people? Is their liberation in conformity? No. In my experience, what makes one person happy inevitably pisses off someone else. To put it plainly, no matter how hard we try, we simply cannot please everyone. The harder we try the more damage is done. This damage comes in two forms.  

The first form of damage is the obvious one. We harm ourselves by compromising who we are. Everyone knows how uncomfortable and exhausting it is to live our life for the sake of others. But it doesn't stop there. We also harm the individuals that we are conceding to. We do this by being disingenuous. Anyone who has ever been in an inequitable and/or dishonest relationship know that disingenuous behavior is a cancer that can tear apart the positive substance of any relationship. They think that we are going to be happier because we are doing it "the right way" and we are too afraid to tell them that we are miserable inside because we are doing it their way. And the result is that we are miserable and they are oblivious. We become forgers. Elaborate forgers of character. We give them a hollow representation and they think they are receiving the genuine article. 

So what do we do? What is the appropriate course of action? Here is my opinion. We knock it off. We stop trying to make other people happy, and worry about ourselves instead. We stop trying to put the world on our shoulders. We can not hold ourselves responsible for something that is neither possible nor actually our responsibility. Be who you are, and never compromise that. Take responsibility for what you are appropriately responsible for. Achieve what is achievable. Is it possible to make everyone in your life happy? No. Is it possible to make yourself happy? Yes. If they love you, then they will be happy that you are being true to yourself. If they aren't ready to embrace who you truly are, then you are giving them an opportunity to build a true and lasting relationship with you over time. No forgery. The real you. It is our willingness to shine that allows people to burn brighter. Hiding who we are merely prevents them from ever broadening their horizon and learning to accept someone that is different from them. Nobody wants a forgery. Everyone wants the genuine article. I love Sammi very much. I wish that she really loved Metallica. But she doesn't. If she pretended to love Metallica, I would ignorantly accepting a lie and she would be listening to music that gives her a headache. We both lose in that situation. I will always prefer an honest Maroon 5 listener to a deceitfully pandering Metallica fan. So remember, you are your one and only. If there was ever a person that you should take care of every day, it is you, 

Jacob Miller

P.S. Again I offer my disclaimer that I suck at implementing everything I write about. So please don't think of me as a hypocrite :)

Let Your Freak Flag Fly :)

          Let me be upfront. Writing a blog that has any form of advice included in it, is a rather intimidating project. I don't often feel qualified to give others advice, and even when I do feel qualified, it is difficult to put myself out there. Any time that you offer advice you take a certain amount of risk. First you risk being wrong, and eventually feeling stupid for giving bad advice. Second you risk the person being offended at the advice that is given. So along with this post I would like to add a disclaimer. I am no Dale Carnegie or Stephen Covey (famous self help authors). I do however, like to think of myself as someone who is able to see why I am happy one way, and unhappy another way. And at this time, things are going really really well in my life. I am happier than I have ever been! 

          In the last nine months I have gone through a lot of changes. I got home from my mission, ended a five year relationship, decided upon a career, started school, started and quit a job, and began a new relationship. To say the least it has been a rather turbulent nine months, and I have always struggled with change. Change always makes me feel like life is out of my control, and I utterly loathe that feeling. The first five months that I was home from my mission I really struggled. I felt extremely out of my element. I was no longer a missionary, and that was hard for me. Being a missionary was the first thing I really felt that I excelled at, so coming home made me feel like I was losing the one thing that I was good at. Add that on top of a failing relationship, and you have a really unhappy Jacob Miller. I managed to keep my grades up in school, and to hold down good performances at work, but for those who know me well, it was apparent that I was unhappy. "I just didn't seem like myself" people kept telling me. It was true. I was miserable. I tried to keep a very positive outlook on life, and for the most part I think that I was able to put on an effective veneer of happiness. But inside I was struggling. And as I look back on the last nine months I see a very stark contrast in the dichotomy of the first five months and the following four months. And it is upon this dichotomy that I would like to focus.

          Life is not always black and white. In fact I would say that it is most often gray. There are so many factors that play into why and how we make decisions, that it is nearly impossible to simplify most of life's important decisions. This is what I faced when I got home. Life was complicated, and I was struggling to simplify it. I was not happy, and yet I struggled to pin my unhappiness on anything. I was doing what I thought I needed to be doing. I was reading my scriptures daily, I was praying, I was trying to be a good student, a good son, brother, boyfriend etc. And yet.... I felt more unhappy than I had been in a long time. I spent hours and hours focusing on my life, and trying to figure it out. But as my Mother so frequently likes to remind me, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was in a place that disallowed me from being truly objective. I was too attached to the things that were making me unhappy, and was seemingly unable to let go of what I needed to. However, as the adage goes, hindsight is 20-20. Looking back I have realized that my unhappiness was a consequence of one thing. And that one thing was, me. My unhappiness was not anyone's fault except for my own. I have realized through my years that there is only one person responsible for our happiness. We are responsible for our own happiness. 

          Coming home from my mission, I had a great deal of expectations about the way that life was going to play out. And I think there was also a lot of pressure that others were putting on me about how they thought things were supposed to turn out. It was a difficult position for me. I felt certain obligations weighing heavily upon me, and did not want to disappoint, or hurt anyone. But the more I focused on making other people happy the more I started acting the way that they wanted me to act, instead of acting in a way that I want to act. I was becoming something that I never wanted to be. I was becoming a total people pleaser. Now let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with having a sequacious personality. There is a great deal of joy to be found in going with the flow. But I was taking it way too far. I wanted to show everyone that I had changed. I wanted my sisters to see what a good young man I had become, and I wanted to show my parents that I had finally become the son they had hoped for. But in this quest of being who everyone wanted me to be I was forgetting to make the one person who matters most happy. I was forgetting myself. 

          I am a unique individual. I am aware of the fact that most people are not hard rocking Metallica fans, who will also gladly let their nieces paint their toenails just to make them smile. I am well aware of the fact that many people are put out by my sense of humor, level of intensity, and passion. I am often passionate, loud, intense, and according to some, obnoxious. And as I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be, I forgot one small detail. If I am constantly trying to be what something that I am not, then people can never love me. If I am not acting like Jacob, then how can people love Jacob? The simplest truth is that they can not. I am weird. I am a walking contradiction. I love violent movies, and Broadway musicals. I hate people, but love individuals. I do not fit into most boxes that the world tells me to fit into. When I came home I tried fitting myself into a box. I tried fitting myself into the perfect returned missionary box. It simply made me miserable. I found myself losing my temper really frequently, fading in my desire to serve others, and becoming increasingly frustrated with life in general. As I became more and more unhappy I began to slowly realize that I was going about things all wrong. Now, there is nothing wrong with coming home and having your whole life fall into place the way you planned on. But that is not what I needed. I changed a lot on my mission. And coming home was not what I expected it to be. I needed a different prescription than the one I had written myself. 

As I approached the Christmas season my unhappiness peaked. I was dreading the down time of the holidays, and just wanted to go back to school. But eventually Christmas came and went, and changes abounded in my life. I found myself in a boat that I hadn't been in for a long time. I was single. And yet, even though I was single I felt incredibly happy. I realized that with the end of one story, another could begin. I began to look at life with renewed vigor. I felt immensely happy again. I prayed frequently and fervently for days, and came to a realization. It is simple, and yet wonderfully profound. If I want to be happy, then I have to be myself. And the more I decided to stick to being myself, instead of what I thought others wanted, the more at peace I felt with life. 

          I have turned a corner. The more I feel like myself the better life feels, and the better my relationships (for the most part) seem to get with the people I love the most. My Mom and I have never been closer, and yesterday I felt more content with my relationship with my Dad, than I ever have in my life. My brother David and I took a huge step forward in our relationship, and I literally have never felt the power of forgiveness more powerfully in my life. These are just a few of the wonderful blessings I have received as of late. I recently sat down for a conversation with my dear friend Adam Cardon and he looked at me and said, "Dude, it is just really good to see you happy again". I feel free. The more I feel like myself the more I feel like others are able to truly bond with me. It is wonderfully liberating. I am seriously happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I am in a wonderful relationship with someone the sees me more clearly than I ever felt possible, and I finally feel like all of my ducks are in a row. I wake up happy and go to sleep happy. Life is awesome!!!! I am doing well in school, I am focused on improving my relationship with those I love every day, I am in love with my best friend, and most importantly, I am myself. 

         

For the first time in my life when people ask how I am doing, I seriously want to smile widely, and run to the roof of a building and scream at top of my lungs, "I AM DOING GREAT"!!!!! I know with all of my heart that the key to being happy, is being yourself. So in an effort to encourage others to do the same I offer a simple invitation. Let your freak flag fly! Be yourself! I promise that it will make you happier! To thine own self be true! Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. Find someone who loves you for who you are. That is my advice. If you have already accomplished these things then I just have a question for you. Doesn't it freaking feel fantastic?!!!? Life is hardly perfect. I have a great deal of challenges in my life. But when I look in the mirror I look at myself and say, I can do it! Because when I am being myself I know that I can do hard things!

Jacob Miller

P.S. I owe many of you a great deal of thanks for sticking with me during those tough months. A special thanks goes to the following individuals. 

My amazing Mom and Dad- Thank you for being the rock of my life. I am so grateful you never give up on me, even when I want to give up on myself. I owe you more than I can ever repay. I love you both so much.

Thomas and Taylor Olsen- Thank you for always being there to listen. You are true friends.

Adam Cardon- I literally couldn't have done it without you buddy. I love you so much, and will never forget what you have done for me. 

Garrett and Meghan Hunter and Patrick Humphrey- You three are the ones I think of when I think about surrounding myself with people who love you for who you are. I love you guys. 

David Miller- I love you brother. Thanks for listening when I needed it the most. 

Seth and Megan Miller- Pizza and Mountain Dew go a lot further than you would think :)

My nieces and nephews- When I am down you ALWAYS make me happy.

Scott Dutcher- You have given me some wonderful advice and I am extremely grateful. Thanks for being my brother.

Mama J and The Big Guy- You guys mean more to me than I can even explain. You love me like your own and it means the world to me. Thank you for everything. 

Sammi Watson- I love you more than I can even say. I am so grateful for so many reasons. Thank you for always seeing me, and for making my happiness possible. I am especially fond of you :)

Measuring Up

How can we feel like we are measuring up?

In a world that tells us that we need to be constantly upgrading everything from our appearance to our cell phone, how will we ever achieve what we feel is a comfortable level of success? I think that one of the greatest challenges in this life is the feeling of inadequacy or discouragement. We seems to effortlessly question our self worth and ability to do anything noteworthy in this life. So how do we battle ourselves in this fight for our confidence and self esteem? I recently heard a wonderful quote. Neal A. Maxwell said, "If you are constantly taking your temperature to see if you are happy, then you wont be".  This quote has really stuck with me since I heard it, and inspired me to write this post. If we are constantly focusing on how we appear, how we are performing, or how others perceive us then we will never be happy and we will quickly slip into bouts of discouragement and inadequacy. I have recently resolved to stop constantly taking my temperature and put together a three step program to help keep this up. I would like to share these three steps with you.

Step 1) Focus on your successes, not your failures.
I believe that the trick is focusing on what we have accomplished instead of what we have not accomplished. In my life I struggle with the feeling that I am really far behind my peers. I am 25 years old and haven't even graduated from college yet. I am 25 and not even married yet. I am 25 and just got home from my mission. The list goes on and on. And boy, do these things get me down sometimes. To counter these feelings of discouragement I focus on what I have accomplished.  I got straight A's last semester. I am currently dating someone. I served an honorable mission. There is always a positive way of looking at life. We must simply choose to look at life through a brighter scope.

Step 2) Safeguard your soul.
So I know that focusing on the good will keep me away from the bad. But is that enough? What do I need to do to keep myself walking the good path? To keep my progression at an appropriate level of consistency, I have developed a series of safeguards that have proven to be extremely effective in my personal life. I read my scriptures daily, I pray twice daily, I attend all three hours of church weekly, and I try and tell someone that I think they are special whenever given an opportunity to do so. I also try and engage in some form of exercise and artistic endeavor every day, to keep myself filled with creative and physical energy. These spiritual, physical, and artistic exertions keep me focused and determined as the weeks press on. I know from experience that as long as I am focused on these daily and weekly tasks I will be well guarded from the pressures and temptations that life so frequently throws at us. For I truly believe, "that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).

Step 3) Take a weekly personal inventory.
I understand that focusing on my flaws will create negative energy if done too frequently, but what about plateaus? If i'm not upping the ante then won't I stagnate? In this case, I believe an age old adage really fits the bill. For everything there is a season. There is a time and a place for personal inventories and upping the antes of life. But how often we do it and why we do it are just as important as the process of progression itself. But what is the balance? Where is the line? First of all I don't think that there is a one size fits all schedule of self correction. We all handle criticism and self correction differently. The trick is finding out what works for you. How much can you really handle and how frequently can you handle it? Personally, I have discovered that once a week is an optimum amount for focusing on self improvement.  Any more often and I depress the crap out of myself, and any less and I am not progressing at the rate at which I could be.

This once a week inventory is where (for me) my faith really comes in. I believe that part of the reason God commands us to go to church is because, it is at church that self evaluation is most effective. Each week as I sit in church, I feel the Spirit, and it compels me to contemplate what I can do better that week. A weekly personal inventory is ample for me. And if I am totally honest I think that it is ample for everyone. Anymore than once a week is overkill in my opinion. We all need to be focused on improvement. So set a consistent time once a week and think about what you can do better. Consider individuals who may need you. Consider the areas that you might have failed in that week. But once your weekly inventory is over, let it be over, and commence focusing on implementation of the principles you have set upon, instead of thinking new ones to add. Life is hard enough without constantly belittling our own performance. Gordon B. Hinkley said, "Life is to enjoyed, not just endured". The more we focus on what we are not doing the less we enjoy life. So live it up one week at a time. Let yourself find peace and satisfaction in daily living. After all, you deserve it.

So there you have it. Jacob Miller's three steps to feeling like the adequate and fantastic person that you are. Here is a quick review to help it all sink in one last time.
1) Quit taking your temperature all of the time. Remember, if you are constantly focusing on making yourself happy, then you wont be. Happiness must be natural. Any attempt at synthesis will ruin it in a hurry. So be happy and remember the words of Brigham Young, "If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from".
2) Safeguard yourself. I don't care if you are black, white, blue, or orange. I don't care if you are atheist, Mormon, Lutheran, or Jewish. We all need safeguards that keep our self esteem where we deserve it to be. So find what helps you feel good about yourself and create a routine to safeguard your soul.
3) Take a consistent personal inventory but don't do it too frequently. I believe once a week is enough and perhaps less than that is appropriate for certain individuals. And remember, enjoy life. If you are so focused on improvement that you cant sit back and smell the roses, then you are doing it wrong. Life is awesome :) Learn to enjoy it!


Jacob Miller

For my mother, my sisters and my future wife.

After a conversation I had tonight I felt prompted to express something that I feel very strongly about. Divinity. My Mother, my sisters, and my future wife. I hope you know, that to me, you will always be divine. In a world that seems to have forgotten where we come from, I am here to boldly proclaim that every female on this earth is a daughter of God. You are all a precious and tender child of the most glorious being in the universe. And you deserve to be treated like royalty. If I could appropriately educate the masses on one topic, it would be this. It is everything to me.

As a boy my favorite story was that of a group of young men name the stripling warriors. It was a time of war and these 2000 young men were called up to defend their homes and their families. Throughout a series of miraculous events, none of these young men died on the field of battle. When asked how they managed to hold so firmly to their faith in times of such great tribulation, they responded with something I will never forget. They said, "We do not doubt, our Mothers knew it". These young men had been taught by their mothers that if they held firm to their core values of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that they could overcome any trial. I have always wanted to be a stripling warrior. I have always wanted to be a man that understands, believes, and trusts in my mother. She is a miraculous woman. Unlike any other. She has taught and continues to teach me many things. But first and foremost my mother always taught me that women are to be respected, loved, and cherished. I will never forget this lesson. Of all of the many things that my mother has taught me it has sunk deepest into my soul. I love my Mom and my sisters so much. I would tear limb from limb and suffer excruciating pain if it meant that they didn't have to. I love them all. They mean the world to me.

If you know me at all then you know that my mission meant everything to me. It is where I became who I am today. It taught me perseverance, dedication, and compassion. I would like to share with you a memory from my mission. It was on a snowy night in December 2012. I was up late with one of my roommates, Elder Figgins. We were having a wonderful chat about how much we missed our families. He told me a moving story about how he wanted to become a man worthy of his last name. I will forever look up to him because of the man he showed me he is on the inside. After sharing his love for his family he asked me a strange question. He asked me what my greatest regret in life was. I was an older missionary. In fact was several years older than almost all of my peers in the mission field. And as such it was assumed that I had led a different life than the rest of the missionaries. Therefore, I was used to this question being brought to bear during times of curiosity. But this seemed a a strange time for him to be asking. I asked him why he was asking and he said that he wasn't sure. "It had just popped into his head" he described. He had asked a question that would not have seemed connected to family and yet was inextricably linked. Elder Figgins had no way of knowing this at the time. But I am sure that the Spirit prompted him to ask that question. I stared at him for a while. It was a hard question to answer. "My Mom" I said. I could barely choke out the words. "I didn't use to treat my Mom well". I had a hard time controlling my tears. I am not an emotional extrovert. I usually bottle my tears up. But for some reason if you get me talking about my Mom I can not control them and the tears always flow.

I told Elder Figgins that night that my greatest regret in life is not having treated my mother the way she deserves. I stand by those words. It is indeed the greatest regret of my life. My mom is so wise and so experienced that sometimes I forget that she doesn't have all the answers. She is always so smart and so able that sometimes I forget that inside of my sagely mother is a little girl. Beneath the wisdom and experience accrued over a lifetime is a tender beautiful daughter of God. I ought to remember it more often. I love her so much. And she deserves to be treated as a beautiful daughter of God. If I am able to marry a woman that is half as wonderful as my mom then I will feel blessed indeed.

That same night Elder Figgins asked me how I ended up on my mission. Once again this is highly related to the women in my family. And I want to explain a little of how. I have three sisters. Kyla, Haya, and Esther. They are each very wonderful. And each very different from each other. They have always been there for me. And I am eternally grateful. As I look back on my life I see how God has guided and shaped me. One of the ways he has done that is through the guidance of my beautiful sisters. When I was young I was a chubby boy. I was teased a lot at school. For years this went on. And though it seems minor to be teased as an adult it was very difficult for me as a child. It was at this point that Kyla changed my life. When I would come home after a rough day at school I very rarely told anyone about it. Millers are not very good at asking for help or saying that we are hurting. But whether or not she knew it Kyla was there for me in a way that I will never forget. After school I would often sit with Kyla and we would eat a piece of fruit together. She would ask about my day and tell me about hers. Kyla was my first true friend as a boy. She listened compassionately and always told me that she loved me. I love her so much. That was Kyla's time to support me in my life. And I know that without Kyla I would never have ended up on a mission. She taught me at a very young age what it was like to feel compassion.  Now onto Esther!

Esther is as stubborn as she is beautiful. She is raw horsepower. She doesn't quit and always finds a way to do what must be done. I admire her for this. But much more important that this is the fact the Esther never left me behind. In my struggles to find my place in life Esther always had a place by her side that was just for me. She was my best friend when I was a young teenager. To be more honest she was my only friend. Esther was never too cool for me. She always wanted to know what I thought about things. I remember quite well hundreds of mornings where Esther would pull me into her room and asked me if she looked pretty. I hope I always made her feel as beautiful as she was and is. My opinion mattered to Esther. And I don't think that I have ever told her but that means more than anything to me. Esther told me I was handsome and laughed at my jokes. She taught me everything I know about listening to country music. watching chick flicks, and listening to girls rant about their emotions. In short Esther taught me the ins and outs of girls. I am sure that I missed a lot. But boy do I feel like learned a lot. I owe so much to her. Without her support I would never have felt like I belonged in life let alone felt like I belonged on a mission.

So Now to Haya! Well let me just say that as a boy I was infamous for blaming my life's problems on Haya. I don't remember doing it but it was a long time ago. Haya is literally the smartest woman I have ever met in my life. She is so well put together and so intelligent that I think she honestly just intimidated me as a young boy. But Haya did something for me that I don't think I will ever be able to repay her for. When I was 19 I was a total misanthrope. I was convinced that the world sucked and that I had every reason to hate everything. I was hardly a joy to be around. But Haya was not to be denied what she had decided to build. Haya approached me after high school and told me that she wanted to be my friend. She told me that she wanted to hang out once a week and that she would either take me to dinner or to a movie. She wasn't kidding. It took a long time until I let a few of my walls down but Haya stuck it out with me. She was there through the good, the bad, and all of the in betweens. She was amazing. I can tell you one hundred percent that I would never have gone on a mission if it wasn't for Haya. She was a rock for me. She never judged me or belittled me. She never chastised me or scolded me. She was loving, patient and thoughtful at all times. Haya in many ways saved my life from going into a complete and total tail spin during my late teens and early twenties. When I was 20 my longtime roommate got married and I had to find somewhere else to live. Haya offered up her condo. I was not a really big fan of the idea. We were decently close at the time. But we were not nearly that close. Or so I thought. She told me to move in and if I didn't like it I could move out and there would be no feelings hurt. So I thought I would give it a try. She did something the first day that astounded me. She bought a TIVO as a welcome to the house gift. It was simple but meant a lot to me. I could tell how much she wanted me to feel comfortable in her home. I ended up living there for almost two years. I LOVED it. Haya became my best friend and one of the greatest confidants I have ever or will ever have. It was during the time I lived under roof that I gained a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It was in her living room that I first prayed about the Book of Mormon and received my answer that it was the word of God. And it was in the bedroom that she had offered to me that I first felt the power of the Atonement work a mighty change of heart in me. I know without a doubt that I would not be nearly the man I am today if Haya hadn't asked me to live with her. It was the strong presence of the Spirit of God that abides in her home that allowed me to gain a testimony of the things I preached on my mission. I could NEVER have done it without her. Thank you a million times over, thank you to my wonderful Haya.

Words can not express what my Mom has done for me. She taught me to respect women, to love others and to always be an honorable man. My Mom is the best person I know. She is kind, compassionate, and loyal. I love her more than I can say. It is on my mission that I realized how much my Mom has done for me. Everything that my Mom had ever taught to me was repeated by me hundreds of times as I taught others on my mission. If they ever wanted to write a text book about how to be a missionary they could have just written a biography. My Mom is one of the greatest teachers I have ever lived. Not only would I have never gone on a mission without my mothers help. But much more importantly I would not be writing this today. Coming home from my mission was a struggle for me. I had a really hard time adjusting and felt like my life was worthless without my mission. I had spent so long taking care of others that I felt like life was pointless while I was only responsible for myself. My Mom has been my anchor since I got home. She has unwaveringly supported and loved me with all of her heart. I love her so much. I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay. But I hope one day she will understand how much I love her.

I didn't intend for this blog to be about my mom and my sisters. But I suppose I should have known better. There is no way I would be able to write a blogpost about the divine nature of women without it turning into a hommage to them. They are the lights of my life. In closing I want to let my Sisters in law know that all the things I said apply to them. As far as I am concerned you may remove the in law on your title of sister. I love you as my own blood. And though I may not have a lifetime of memories to give you credit for, I look forward to my opportunity to spend eternity with you as my sisters :)

Love Jacob

Friendship

Friendship

I believe that life shapes us. It gives us moments that cause us to reflect. And lately I have been able to reflect deeply on the things that I have lost. But loss always provides something beautiful. It provides a gratitude for the things which we still have. And today I want to express my gratitude for one of my most prized possession.

I am grateful for my friends. I have been so blessed in so many ways during these last 24 (nearing 25) years. But of all of the things that I ought to be most grateful for, I should always remember that I have wonderful friends. I have been uplifted, supported, and improved by these amazing people. What never ceases to amaze me are the different walks of life that my friends have come from. Lutheran, Catholic, Atheist, Mormon and many other beliefs litter the past of my most beloved friends. Black, White, Hispanic, and Jewish are a few more of the distinctions that these people carry. They are all so wonderfully different from each other. And yet among these differences there is a beautiful commonality. They see me, and more importantly, they embrace me for who I am. This I believe is the true test of friendship. Do they truly accept and and love you for who you are inside and out? It saddens me that so many people are unable to answer yes to that question. No one in this life deserves to go through it feeling alone.

Someone on my mission once told me something beautiful. He said, "what right do I have to not like someone or think that they aren't totally awesome? After all doesn't God like them? Doesn't He think that they are totally worthwhile? And if He, the greatest of all, thinks that they are so awesome, what right do I have to think anything other than that?" That has always stuck with me. God loves all of His children. He loves us because we are so unique. I like to think of myself as a non judgmental person. But in many ways I know that I am. It is often hard not to judge a book by its cover. I am simply glad at this time that my dear friends have given me a thorough read through.

As one chapter ends another begins. A simple and profound adage that gives me hope for the future. I am hopeful. Hopeful for love, for marriage, for school, and for many many other things. This hope is driven forward by my friends. It is a fire that is given oxygen by the steady encouragement of those who love me in ways that I struggle even loving myself. Thank you. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for everything my dearest friends.

One of my life's greatest ambitions is to find and commit myself to my greatest friend. In other words I want to marry my best friend. I want my marriage to be one that is entirely based on the principles of friendship, loyalty, and dedication. I want to marry someone that I can talk to for hours... Hours and hours about nothing at all. It doesn't have to be deep. It doesn't have to be profound. It just has to be fun. Simple, enjoyable fun. I want my marriage to be a lasting trip of total and relaxed conversation with someone that I know will always be there to support, uphold, and correct me. A phrase that bears repeating for the rest of my life is the simple proclamation that I want to marry my best friend.

If your'e reading this then I must mean something to you. Some of you may be friends and some of you may be family. But if you are reading this then all of you at some point have shown me compassion and love in my times of need. For that I am eternally grateful. I live my life in fear that one day I will be forgotten. Thank you all for never forgetting me. Thank you all for being my friends. I was once told that if someone ever feels forgotten by us then they may feel forgotten by God.  I am so sorry if I have ever forgotten you. Life is a long and lonely road sometimes. I hope you all know that you don't have to walk it alone. Whether I am your friend, brother, son, former missionary, or acquaintance, I want you to know that I love you, and that I am always here to make lonely path feel a little bit more friendly.

Someone very wise once told me that most important thing we can ever do is make someone feel loved. I hope that I am able to do this for you. I hope that I am able to be there for all of you the way that you have been there for me. Break ups, letdowns, firings, social anxieties, religious doubts, etc. The list is endless. There are so many things in this life that hurt us. I hope you all know that there is a Balm of Gilead. We are the Balm of Gilead. God send us to each other. We are the angelic messengers of God. For each other. We are the way He answers each others prayers. Thank you all for ceaselessly being an answer to mine.

Love Jacob

Identity

Hello All! Well this is my first blog so hopefully y'all will cut me some slack! Here we go!


I suppose that one question we all face at one time or another is, "who am I"? Well I am here to proclaim that this is not a question I am still searching for an answer to. I know who I am. And almost as importantly, I am proud of who I am. I am A Child of God. This adage that I was taught as a boy has resonated with me throughout my life and especially in my adult years (yes Mom I am an adult). I love my Heavenly Father. And the fact that I call Him Father is immensely important to my identity. God is not a mist. He is not a ball of goo. He is a person. He has a name. He has feelings. He has hobbies and interests (hopefully my blog will become one of His interests). And in the case of my identity, it is important to note that God is a Father. I am one of His Children. And as I have come to know my Father in Heaven I have come to know myself. My eternal identity is the most important aspect of my daily identity.


Who am I? I am a Child of God. I am Jacob Moshe Miller. I am angry and impatient. I am selfish and lustful. However, I can be kind. I can be loving. I am a family man. I love my nieces and nephews more than life itself. I am a guitarist. I am a drummer. I am singer. I am a poet. I am a mixed martial artist. I am many many things. But I am most beautifully and wonderfully two things. I am a Child of God and I am IMPERFECT!!! Hooray!!! I admitted it! I am imperfect! I am flawed! I have so many problems that sometimes I worry about why anyone would want to spend time with me. There! Sigh of relief breathed deep. Now I don't have to worry about any of you have unrealistic expectations. I have a dear friend who once told me something that changed my life. She said, and I quote, "I love peoples flaws! That is what makes them beautiful!" What a wonderful sentiment. It is indeed true. Something that I have come to realize is that people flaws are most often a reflection of their fears. And peoples fears are often the mask of their most amazing qualities! So if you ever have a moment where you are obsessing over someone's imperfections I would encourage you to take a moment and think about what their imperfections reveal about their personality. I'll give you a hypothetical. Say that you have a young man. He is often impatient and lashes out at others. His anger is one of his greatest flaws. But underneath the anger and volatile behavior is a tender heart. The heart of a man who loves deep. The heart of a man who simply wants to be understood. His anger is a mask that he puts on to defend his tender heart. If your reading this then you probably know that this "hypothetical" young man is me. I bear little shame in admitting it. I am a tender man.


I said in my missionary homecoming talk that my mission turned me into a big ol' softie. It was a lie. I have always been a big ol' softie. My mission simply stripped away the pride, vanity, and anger that covered the tender heart of a man that cries when he: bears his testimony, talks about his mother and how much he loves her, thinks about how much he loves his nieces and nephews, and thinks about getting married in the temple to someone special. I am a big ol' softie. I am an angry, former cagefighter who is irrationally obsessed with pizza, Mountain Dew, Tom Brady and finding the love of my life. I am IMPERFECT!! But I like to think that the aforementioned adage applies to me. I am beautiful BECAUSE of my imperfections. My anger masks my love and my big mouth masks my good listening skills. So what do you think people!? When I piss you off by being a total jack ass will you forgive me and look past my flaws to see my better qualities? I hope and pray that you will. I love deep people. So don't step on my heart. After all..... it is a big one...


Love Jacob