Measuring Up

How can we feel like we are measuring up?

In a world that tells us that we need to be constantly upgrading everything from our appearance to our cell phone, how will we ever achieve what we feel is a comfortable level of success? I think that one of the greatest challenges in this life is the feeling of inadequacy or discouragement. We seems to effortlessly question our self worth and ability to do anything noteworthy in this life. So how do we battle ourselves in this fight for our confidence and self esteem? I recently heard a wonderful quote. Neal A. Maxwell said, "If you are constantly taking your temperature to see if you are happy, then you wont be".  This quote has really stuck with me since I heard it, and inspired me to write this post. If we are constantly focusing on how we appear, how we are performing, or how others perceive us then we will never be happy and we will quickly slip into bouts of discouragement and inadequacy. I have recently resolved to stop constantly taking my temperature and put together a three step program to help keep this up. I would like to share these three steps with you.

Step 1) Focus on your successes, not your failures.
I believe that the trick is focusing on what we have accomplished instead of what we have not accomplished. In my life I struggle with the feeling that I am really far behind my peers. I am 25 years old and haven't even graduated from college yet. I am 25 and not even married yet. I am 25 and just got home from my mission. The list goes on and on. And boy, do these things get me down sometimes. To counter these feelings of discouragement I focus on what I have accomplished.  I got straight A's last semester. I am currently dating someone. I served an honorable mission. There is always a positive way of looking at life. We must simply choose to look at life through a brighter scope.

Step 2) Safeguard your soul.
So I know that focusing on the good will keep me away from the bad. But is that enough? What do I need to do to keep myself walking the good path? To keep my progression at an appropriate level of consistency, I have developed a series of safeguards that have proven to be extremely effective in my personal life. I read my scriptures daily, I pray twice daily, I attend all three hours of church weekly, and I try and tell someone that I think they are special whenever given an opportunity to do so. I also try and engage in some form of exercise and artistic endeavor every day, to keep myself filled with creative and physical energy. These spiritual, physical, and artistic exertions keep me focused and determined as the weeks press on. I know from experience that as long as I am focused on these daily and weekly tasks I will be well guarded from the pressures and temptations that life so frequently throws at us. For I truly believe, "that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).

Step 3) Take a weekly personal inventory.
I understand that focusing on my flaws will create negative energy if done too frequently, but what about plateaus? If i'm not upping the ante then won't I stagnate? In this case, I believe an age old adage really fits the bill. For everything there is a season. There is a time and a place for personal inventories and upping the antes of life. But how often we do it and why we do it are just as important as the process of progression itself. But what is the balance? Where is the line? First of all I don't think that there is a one size fits all schedule of self correction. We all handle criticism and self correction differently. The trick is finding out what works for you. How much can you really handle and how frequently can you handle it? Personally, I have discovered that once a week is an optimum amount for focusing on self improvement.  Any more often and I depress the crap out of myself, and any less and I am not progressing at the rate at which I could be.

This once a week inventory is where (for me) my faith really comes in. I believe that part of the reason God commands us to go to church is because, it is at church that self evaluation is most effective. Each week as I sit in church, I feel the Spirit, and it compels me to contemplate what I can do better that week. A weekly personal inventory is ample for me. And if I am totally honest I think that it is ample for everyone. Anymore than once a week is overkill in my opinion. We all need to be focused on improvement. So set a consistent time once a week and think about what you can do better. Consider individuals who may need you. Consider the areas that you might have failed in that week. But once your weekly inventory is over, let it be over, and commence focusing on implementation of the principles you have set upon, instead of thinking new ones to add. Life is hard enough without constantly belittling our own performance. Gordon B. Hinkley said, "Life is to enjoyed, not just endured". The more we focus on what we are not doing the less we enjoy life. So live it up one week at a time. Let yourself find peace and satisfaction in daily living. After all, you deserve it.

So there you have it. Jacob Miller's three steps to feeling like the adequate and fantastic person that you are. Here is a quick review to help it all sink in one last time.
1) Quit taking your temperature all of the time. Remember, if you are constantly focusing on making yourself happy, then you wont be. Happiness must be natural. Any attempt at synthesis will ruin it in a hurry. So be happy and remember the words of Brigham Young, "If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from".
2) Safeguard yourself. I don't care if you are black, white, blue, or orange. I don't care if you are atheist, Mormon, Lutheran, or Jewish. We all need safeguards that keep our self esteem where we deserve it to be. So find what helps you feel good about yourself and create a routine to safeguard your soul.
3) Take a consistent personal inventory but don't do it too frequently. I believe once a week is enough and perhaps less than that is appropriate for certain individuals. And remember, enjoy life. If you are so focused on improvement that you cant sit back and smell the roses, then you are doing it wrong. Life is awesome :) Learn to enjoy it!


Jacob Miller

For my mother, my sisters and my future wife.

After a conversation I had tonight I felt prompted to express something that I feel very strongly about. Divinity. My Mother, my sisters, and my future wife. I hope you know, that to me, you will always be divine. In a world that seems to have forgotten where we come from, I am here to boldly proclaim that every female on this earth is a daughter of God. You are all a precious and tender child of the most glorious being in the universe. And you deserve to be treated like royalty. If I could appropriately educate the masses on one topic, it would be this. It is everything to me.

As a boy my favorite story was that of a group of young men name the stripling warriors. It was a time of war and these 2000 young men were called up to defend their homes and their families. Throughout a series of miraculous events, none of these young men died on the field of battle. When asked how they managed to hold so firmly to their faith in times of such great tribulation, they responded with something I will never forget. They said, "We do not doubt, our Mothers knew it". These young men had been taught by their mothers that if they held firm to their core values of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that they could overcome any trial. I have always wanted to be a stripling warrior. I have always wanted to be a man that understands, believes, and trusts in my mother. She is a miraculous woman. Unlike any other. She has taught and continues to teach me many things. But first and foremost my mother always taught me that women are to be respected, loved, and cherished. I will never forget this lesson. Of all of the many things that my mother has taught me it has sunk deepest into my soul. I love my Mom and my sisters so much. I would tear limb from limb and suffer excruciating pain if it meant that they didn't have to. I love them all. They mean the world to me.

If you know me at all then you know that my mission meant everything to me. It is where I became who I am today. It taught me perseverance, dedication, and compassion. I would like to share with you a memory from my mission. It was on a snowy night in December 2012. I was up late with one of my roommates, Elder Figgins. We were having a wonderful chat about how much we missed our families. He told me a moving story about how he wanted to become a man worthy of his last name. I will forever look up to him because of the man he showed me he is on the inside. After sharing his love for his family he asked me a strange question. He asked me what my greatest regret in life was. I was an older missionary. In fact was several years older than almost all of my peers in the mission field. And as such it was assumed that I had led a different life than the rest of the missionaries. Therefore, I was used to this question being brought to bear during times of curiosity. But this seemed a a strange time for him to be asking. I asked him why he was asking and he said that he wasn't sure. "It had just popped into his head" he described. He had asked a question that would not have seemed connected to family and yet was inextricably linked. Elder Figgins had no way of knowing this at the time. But I am sure that the Spirit prompted him to ask that question. I stared at him for a while. It was a hard question to answer. "My Mom" I said. I could barely choke out the words. "I didn't use to treat my Mom well". I had a hard time controlling my tears. I am not an emotional extrovert. I usually bottle my tears up. But for some reason if you get me talking about my Mom I can not control them and the tears always flow.

I told Elder Figgins that night that my greatest regret in life is not having treated my mother the way she deserves. I stand by those words. It is indeed the greatest regret of my life. My mom is so wise and so experienced that sometimes I forget that she doesn't have all the answers. She is always so smart and so able that sometimes I forget that inside of my sagely mother is a little girl. Beneath the wisdom and experience accrued over a lifetime is a tender beautiful daughter of God. I ought to remember it more often. I love her so much. And she deserves to be treated as a beautiful daughter of God. If I am able to marry a woman that is half as wonderful as my mom then I will feel blessed indeed.

That same night Elder Figgins asked me how I ended up on my mission. Once again this is highly related to the women in my family. And I want to explain a little of how. I have three sisters. Kyla, Haya, and Esther. They are each very wonderful. And each very different from each other. They have always been there for me. And I am eternally grateful. As I look back on my life I see how God has guided and shaped me. One of the ways he has done that is through the guidance of my beautiful sisters. When I was young I was a chubby boy. I was teased a lot at school. For years this went on. And though it seems minor to be teased as an adult it was very difficult for me as a child. It was at this point that Kyla changed my life. When I would come home after a rough day at school I very rarely told anyone about it. Millers are not very good at asking for help or saying that we are hurting. But whether or not she knew it Kyla was there for me in a way that I will never forget. After school I would often sit with Kyla and we would eat a piece of fruit together. She would ask about my day and tell me about hers. Kyla was my first true friend as a boy. She listened compassionately and always told me that she loved me. I love her so much. That was Kyla's time to support me in my life. And I know that without Kyla I would never have ended up on a mission. She taught me at a very young age what it was like to feel compassion.  Now onto Esther!

Esther is as stubborn as she is beautiful. She is raw horsepower. She doesn't quit and always finds a way to do what must be done. I admire her for this. But much more important that this is the fact the Esther never left me behind. In my struggles to find my place in life Esther always had a place by her side that was just for me. She was my best friend when I was a young teenager. To be more honest she was my only friend. Esther was never too cool for me. She always wanted to know what I thought about things. I remember quite well hundreds of mornings where Esther would pull me into her room and asked me if she looked pretty. I hope I always made her feel as beautiful as she was and is. My opinion mattered to Esther. And I don't think that I have ever told her but that means more than anything to me. Esther told me I was handsome and laughed at my jokes. She taught me everything I know about listening to country music. watching chick flicks, and listening to girls rant about their emotions. In short Esther taught me the ins and outs of girls. I am sure that I missed a lot. But boy do I feel like learned a lot. I owe so much to her. Without her support I would never have felt like I belonged in life let alone felt like I belonged on a mission.

So Now to Haya! Well let me just say that as a boy I was infamous for blaming my life's problems on Haya. I don't remember doing it but it was a long time ago. Haya is literally the smartest woman I have ever met in my life. She is so well put together and so intelligent that I think she honestly just intimidated me as a young boy. But Haya did something for me that I don't think I will ever be able to repay her for. When I was 19 I was a total misanthrope. I was convinced that the world sucked and that I had every reason to hate everything. I was hardly a joy to be around. But Haya was not to be denied what she had decided to build. Haya approached me after high school and told me that she wanted to be my friend. She told me that she wanted to hang out once a week and that she would either take me to dinner or to a movie. She wasn't kidding. It took a long time until I let a few of my walls down but Haya stuck it out with me. She was there through the good, the bad, and all of the in betweens. She was amazing. I can tell you one hundred percent that I would never have gone on a mission if it wasn't for Haya. She was a rock for me. She never judged me or belittled me. She never chastised me or scolded me. She was loving, patient and thoughtful at all times. Haya in many ways saved my life from going into a complete and total tail spin during my late teens and early twenties. When I was 20 my longtime roommate got married and I had to find somewhere else to live. Haya offered up her condo. I was not a really big fan of the idea. We were decently close at the time. But we were not nearly that close. Or so I thought. She told me to move in and if I didn't like it I could move out and there would be no feelings hurt. So I thought I would give it a try. She did something the first day that astounded me. She bought a TIVO as a welcome to the house gift. It was simple but meant a lot to me. I could tell how much she wanted me to feel comfortable in her home. I ended up living there for almost two years. I LOVED it. Haya became my best friend and one of the greatest confidants I have ever or will ever have. It was during the time I lived under roof that I gained a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It was in her living room that I first prayed about the Book of Mormon and received my answer that it was the word of God. And it was in the bedroom that she had offered to me that I first felt the power of the Atonement work a mighty change of heart in me. I know without a doubt that I would not be nearly the man I am today if Haya hadn't asked me to live with her. It was the strong presence of the Spirit of God that abides in her home that allowed me to gain a testimony of the things I preached on my mission. I could NEVER have done it without her. Thank you a million times over, thank you to my wonderful Haya.

Words can not express what my Mom has done for me. She taught me to respect women, to love others and to always be an honorable man. My Mom is the best person I know. She is kind, compassionate, and loyal. I love her more than I can say. It is on my mission that I realized how much my Mom has done for me. Everything that my Mom had ever taught to me was repeated by me hundreds of times as I taught others on my mission. If they ever wanted to write a text book about how to be a missionary they could have just written a biography. My Mom is one of the greatest teachers I have ever lived. Not only would I have never gone on a mission without my mothers help. But much more importantly I would not be writing this today. Coming home from my mission was a struggle for me. I had a really hard time adjusting and felt like my life was worthless without my mission. I had spent so long taking care of others that I felt like life was pointless while I was only responsible for myself. My Mom has been my anchor since I got home. She has unwaveringly supported and loved me with all of her heart. I love her so much. I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay. But I hope one day she will understand how much I love her.

I didn't intend for this blog to be about my mom and my sisters. But I suppose I should have known better. There is no way I would be able to write a blogpost about the divine nature of women without it turning into a hommage to them. They are the lights of my life. In closing I want to let my Sisters in law know that all the things I said apply to them. As far as I am concerned you may remove the in law on your title of sister. I love you as my own blood. And though I may not have a lifetime of memories to give you credit for, I look forward to my opportunity to spend eternity with you as my sisters :)

Love Jacob